Thoughts & Revelations (Chapter 1)

Just want to share some thoughts from deep in my soul that I feel if the right person reads it, it can maybe shed some hope in your life. I know its going to be long but well worth reading at least I hope so.

For those of you that know me this might be a shocker, but I have really been working on the Spiritual side of my life lately. I know you all are picking yourselves off the floor but its true lol I have been blessed with so much in my life and have so much to be grateful for, but I have had a lot of hurts and bad decisions in my life also. We all have.

First of all I am very thankful for my children. They are growing up so quickly lately and doing so well making lives of their own. I'm so proud of them. Every time I think about how great they are turning out and the awesome adults they are becoming I have this great sense of how much I am proud of them. I can take some of the credit for it, but not all. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life. Children don't come with a manual. But I can say that I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

Those of you, who know me well, know that my youngest daughter Alyssa was kidnapped when she was 2 and I just brought her home in December of '05. She just turned 15 the other day, and is such a beautiful and intelligent young lady. For everything she has been though, she is doing great. I don't want to keep reliving all the bad details of the story but I want to talk about the good that has come out of this. I have watched God touching her life lately and it really makes me think.

I had a major revelation in my heart about how much God loves us. In the Word it says that we are created in God's image. I have really been thinking about how much I love my children and want to take care of them. I want them to do well and life. I long for their love in return. I would do anything for them. If they need me, I'm going to be there. If we are created in His image then he has to love me so much more than I love my children.

Another way to look at this also is the way I longed for Alyssa when she was missing. Not a day went by that I didn't think about her. Every Christmas and Birthday, every holiday. Always wondering if she was alive or dead. If she was alive what did she look like, smell like, feel like? How tall is she, how smart is she, so many thoughts of her. I also had so many feelings of should have, would have, could have. Never a feeling of complete satisfaction in life, there was always this feeling of looking for something or something is missing. When we are separated from God, just imagine how he feels and longs for us to return to him. When I thought about this, I was overwhelmed and have cried a lot thinking about it lately.

Also when our children stray and get off the right path. We only have so much control over our children's lives. When they reach a certain age they will begin to test those boundaries. We all have. Some children take it a lot further than others. When you see your children going through that, you have these overwhelming feelings to want to rescue and save them, but you can only do so much. They also have to want to be helped. Sometimes you can intervene and force changes but that will only last for so long. It can be the most frustrating feeling in the world. We all want the best for our children. We all want our children to do so much better than we did. Basically all you can do at that point is to pray and have faith that you have taught them well enough to work their way through it. It's the hardest thing to do! How much more does God want the best for us and to jump in and rescue us when our decisions in life haven't been the best ones? God gave us a will and a choice. A lot of times it is our decisions that we make that make us walk away from God. He stands there and reaches out to us but will not over step our will.

I know that growing up I was taught the ways of God and brought up in a Christian home. I walked away from that and had a really hard time coming back. I always felt that how can God forgive me if I can't even forgive myself, or others. My Mom used to cry a lot over the fact I wasn't raising my children in the church and teaching them the proper way to live, that I was letting my family suffer so unnecessarily. I don't think I can ever make anyone understand what it feels like to have a child stolen from you, unless you can experience it yourself. You walk around looking normal but you spirit inside is so wounded and weak. It stumbles around, doesn't trust, always confused. Its like a part of your self is missing. How is a person in that condition able to function normally in life? It's almost impossible. It takes a really strong person to be able to heal and recover. I look back now and realize that God had his hand in my life even though I had walked away and refused to come back. He still longed for me and loved me and just wanted to hold me and take care of things. I refused to trust in Him because I didn't have much trust in anyone or anything. I refuse to keep going like that in my life!

I have made up my mind to find some good in the situation. Maybe from everything that my family has been through, I can bring some healing to others through our battles. Maybe someone can find hope or peace. I refuse to let the 11 years that I suffered through without my daughter go without letting it do some good for someone somewhere. I hope that you reading this will put a good feeling in your heart and possibly help you in some way. I'm going to type a little bit of the story but I don't want to talk about the dirty details. My daughter, Alyssa needs to move on with her life and learn to try to heal and not to be reliving it over and over again.

I'm going to close this blog for now. I will be adding more later on about our story and testimony. I'm sure I will be adding more about revelations that come to me about life. They seem to be flooding in lately.