Thoughts & Revelations (Chapter 4)

Before you read this make for sure you read the first 3 chapters or you will be totally lost. They are located under this blog.

I told Alyssa I would finish this for our 2 year anniversary so here it is! I love you Alyssa and I always will!

Here it goes….

I left off in the last chapter talking about how Alyssa started saying goodbye to everyone at church before she even knew she was going to be able to leave with us. It was quite an emotional night watching Alyssa say goodbye to a life she had rebuilt since she had been in foster care. She was very happy in her life. I felt like I was the one doing the kidnapping. Everyone loves her there.

I hardly slept at all that night. I knew that we were leaving on Friday afternoon and the lack of time to get things in order to take her home with us gave me this form of guilt. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I just asked God to work it all out. It was all in his hands at that point.

We woke up in the morning and it had snowed like 12 inches overnight. I was freaking out because I had never been in real snow before much less to drive in it. It was so beautiful though. It was such a peaceful, serene morning. We went to our normal breakfast spot and sat there waiting for it to be 8am when Angie (the DCF case worker) would arrive to her office. The waitress asked us about the progress of everything. She waited on us every morning and she knew most of the details. We filled her in on the exciting news that Alyssa said she was ready to come home with us. We just let her knew the obstacles that we were facing at the same time and that it might not happen just yet. She said she would pray for us.

Angie called and said she got approval and had all the paperwork filled out. Only problem was that when it snows everything closes down, schools and courthouses. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach. I felt the doubt that this was going to happen come over me. All I could do was to cry. Angie promised me that she would make her best attempt to make this happen. She said she would call us back in a little while.

We sat at the restaurant for quite a while trying to figure out what we were going to do. We had spent almost every penny we had and couldn’t figure out how we were going to buy a ticket for Alyssa to get home. Mom called her church to see if they would assist us. We really weren’t planning on Alyssa coming home with us on this trip. While she was on the phone with the church my ex-husband Brian called Ashley’s cell phone to check on the progress of the situation. He told Ashley that he would buy Alyssa a ticket home. At the same time my mom’s church told her that they were willing to help also. It was such a relief!

All of a sudden my cell phone rang and it was Angie. She said that she went over to the courthouse to get the paperwork signed and that the doors were locked. My heart sunk even further. There was no way this was going to happen with us leaving the next day. The weather reports were saying that the snow was going to continue. Finally Angie finished talking and told me that when she was headed back across the street to her office she saw someone open the side door to the courthouse. She yelled for them to hold the door. She said when she arrived at the Judge’s office that she had her purse on her shoulder and was on her way out. Angie got the paperwork signed at the last minute! Now try and convince me that God didn’t have a hand in that situation!

The next thing I asked Angie was what were we going to do about getting Alyssa signed out of school and getting paperwork to put her in school when we got home. She told me not to even concern myself with that. Angie said she would take care of all the legalities of the situation. She said we needed to get by her office as soon as we could because she needed to get home before the snow got too deep for her to be able to go home to her daughter. We got off the phone and just cried. The waitress came up and we told her and she cried too. My baby was coming home with us!!! People sitting around us starting asking what was going on and several people started crying and hugging us too. We promised the waitress that we would bring Alyssa in on Friday morning before we left so that she could meet her.

We left out of there and rushed to Angie’s office. Well we didn’t get there that quickly because my mom was freaking over me driving careful with us being in a rent-a-car and all. We arrived safely though. Angie gave us all the paperwork we needed. She also contacted Alyssa’s foster family and let them know that Alyssa would be leaving with us tomorrow and not to bother sending her to school in the morning.

We called Brian, my ex husband and he purchased Alyssa’s ticket for her to go home with all. All plans were set! It was actually going to happen!

We let Alyssa spend her last night with her foster family because we knew she would probably never see them again. We just went to eat dinner and did some shopping around and went to bed early that night. It was going to be a long trip home.

The next morning the snow was deeper. We packed our hotel room up and loaded up the car. We called Alyssa and told her to make for sure she had everything she needed. Alyssa informed us that we would not be able to drive down the street she lived on because the snow was so deep. She had to get her foster sister to help her bring her stuff to the main road so we could pick her up.

When we finally got to her we put all her stuff in the car. When we were driving to Kentucky it was the best feeling to know that she was finally going home where she belongs.

It was a long trip home and we were all exhausted. Dad, Autumn, and my ex-husband Brian picked us up. We all went out to eat and talked and had some fun. Alyssa fell asleep on my chest and I fell asleep leaning on her head. We were exhausted! I think more emotionally drained than anything. This is the actual picture Ashley took with her cell phone because her and my mom thought it was so cute.

The next morning was Sunday and we all went to church. It was the first time in 11 years that I had all 4 of my children together. I don’t think anyone understands the overwhelming joy I felt in my heart. I should have had this joy all of Alyssa’s life. It was stolen from me. I had so much to be grateful for. We had a wonderful day.

There have been many wonderful days since she has been home. My life has completely changed. I don’t get to enjoy many of those moments of having all my children together but I cherish every moment we do. My kids are all flying from the nest so quickly.

It sure is nice to finally have that feeling of complete satisfaction with life. I never had that before. Like I said in Chapter 1, those 11 years of pain and this story, I have to find a way to use it for good. To bring hope and let people know that good things do happen.

Thoughts & Revelations (Chapter 3)

This is the continued story from the previous blogs.

Something I wanted to talk about that I didn't cover in the previous blog is that I had to explain the story to so many different people and explain why I had never spoken of the situation or Alyssa. That was very hard for me. When she was gone and I had to move on with my life I just found a way to put everything in a box and attempt to lock it up in my soul. All the feelings and emotions that happened when that box opened up, I started having so many feelings of guilt and hatred. On top of the feelings that I had lived with for 11 years, I had to deal with the new ones after finding out what Alyssa had been through and the abuse she had to deal with. Just wanted to give a sense of that before I continued on.

I ended before talking about us planning our trip to go and see Alyssa for the first time. It basically took everything that I had to go out there. The town she was in was a very small town. There were no bus stations or airports. She was in Bedford, Indiana. We had to go to Louisville, Kentucky first, and then rent a car to drive there. We had never been there before of course so finding a hotel was hard because we didn't know which ones were the nicer hotels. All these plans to make and I wanted them to go as perfect as possible.

I was worried because I just knew in my heart that this was going to be a long process. How was I supposed to be able to afford to keep going back and forth there for court appearances and visiting Alyssa? Also the trips for her to come to my home to visit? I knew this was going to be expensive and emotionally draining. In the end, even if she didn't come home with us it would still all be worth it. I just wanted the best for her to come out of this. I was going to have to put my feelings aside and keep her first.

The day before we were leaving Angie emailed me a picture of Alyssa. She had told me so many times that there were no mistakes that she is definitely my daughter and how much she looked like me. When I looked at the picture I just sat there in shock. She was a mini me! I stared at the picture for like an hour. Once I got over the shock I just sat there and cried.

Then came time for the trip. Ashley, my Mom and I all got ready for this journey. It seemed like the trip took forever. Thought we would never get there. We took the Greyhound bus to make the trip as economical as possible. Got to see a lot of scenery though. We finally arrived in Louisville, and rented the car. The excitement was building. In the car rental place we were having some issues and my Mom brought up why we were traveling and they started asking so many questions. It was all a new thing talking about all this. Everyone got excited and they gave us all kinds of discounts. We weren't looking to gain anything free, we were just so excited and wanted to share.

We drove to Bedford, IN. Wow, talking about being in the middle of nowhere! There were Amish people everywhere. We stopped at a restaurant to eat and it was a restaurant/video store/tanning bed place. We found much humor in that. I've never been to the Midwest before. It was so cold!!! This was a whole new experience for us.

We could hardly get any phone reception out there. Thank God Ashley had her little pre-paid Virgin mobile phone, it had awesome service most of the time. Our phones were pretty much useless. We contacted Angie so she could meet us somewhere because we had no idea where we were going.

We met at a restaurant and I saw Angie for the first time. This is a woman I had talked with daily about a lot of personal stuff and had helped me through some hard battles. I felt such a connection with her and I am still in contact with her to this day. She was nothing like I pictured, such a small woman.

Angie had us follow her to Alyssa's foster home where she was staying. I had such a knot of nervousness on the way there. I wanted everything to go so perfectly. We pulled up in the driveway and I could feel such tremendous anticipation. I had the feeling of being weak in the knees on my way to the door. When we walked in there were children everywhere. There were eight foster children in that house. The children were all over the place and the foster mother was attempting to introduce everyone. I saw Alyssa hiding on the couch peeking from under a cover. Angie asked her if she was going to come over and say hello to her mother. Alyssa came and gave me such a long distance hug, as to be expected. I just cried, we all did. It was kind of weird because we had all these people staring at us. I think Angie saw it too and asked Deanne, her foster mother, if it would be ok if Alyssa went with us to check into the hotel. Deanne said it was fine with her, we just needed to have Alyssa home by 9:30 because she had school the next morning.

We took her to the hotel with us and we got all checked in. Alyssa was asking a lot of questions and seemed to be enjoying herself. We had a really good time and eventually it got easier to be around each other. Soon it was time to take her back so we got ourselves together and headed that way. When we got to the house I walked Alyssa to the front door and the stairs were slippery so I put my arm around her. She reached her arm around me too and said, "This was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be." I just hugged her and let her in the house. I couldn't hold the tears back when I got back to the car. It meant so much to me to hear her say that.
The next couple of days we spent every afternoon with Alyssa when she got out of school. I knew I was probably going to have to leave her and I wanted to make for sure she had everything she needed. It was December so we bought games and toys for the foster children also. The foster family Alyssa was in was awesome. Deanne and Jack were great people with some huge hearts. They welcomed us into their home and we had dinner with them. The women only wore long skirts and no make-up. I didn't even own a skirt so I almost felt disrespectful. I was very grateful that Alyssa was in a Christian home. It made me feel a lot more secure about her being there. I knew she was with some good people that weren't going to let anything happen to her.
The next day was Wednesday, December 7, 2005. The day we were going to court. The night before was a pretty sleepless night. I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect. They were going to allow Alyssa to take the entire day out of school to spend with us since she was going to be in court in the morning anyways.

We arrived at Angie's office. We all met there to walk across to the courthouse together. The court case that was going on in the courtroom was taking a little longer than normal so they put us all in a file room to keep us away from all the onlookers. The main FBI investigator involved in the case came in and met with us. Let us know what was going to happen and some of what we were facing. Alyssa was so nervous and scared. Her eyes kept welling up. In my mind I dreamed of a chance to be in a locked room with this man with lots of sharp objects. This was the person my hatred was aimed at all these years. Now I had a chance to feel it and see the monster at the same time. I even hated him more because of what he had done to my daughter. The abuse she had suffered with his hands and mouth. I was so angry and nervous I couldn't stop shaking. I felt like I wanted to stand up and scream.

Finally the judge's assistant came in the room and let us know that we were going to hold this court case hearing in her chambers. We walked in the chambers and it was a little bigger than a normal office setting. There were two tables set up just like in a courtroom setting. Angie and the lawyers sat at one table and they sat me at the other table. Angie came over to me and told me that no matter what to keep my cool because there were a lot of people watching me and she didn't want any of my actions to be used against me in trying to get Alyssa back. It was packed in this room. There were so many people in there waiting to see what was going to happen. This was a small town and people had probably never heard of a story like ours. Alyssa was sitting between Ashley and my Mom right behind me.

Finally the moment came. I say that as if I was excited about it but it was more of anticipation to look in his eyes and let him see the hate I felt for him. The day when I was going to actually see someone pay for the destruction in our family. I knew it would never be enough but some gratification is better than none at all. They walked him in the courtroom with his lawyer and sat him right next to me. I had to sit on my hands because I had such an urge inside of me to just grab him and kill him. I don't think I have ever felt such rage in my life. My legs were shaking and I couldn't stop them. I looked back and Alyssa was sobbing on Ashley and Ashley looked angry and was shaking her legs too. I could honestly say I can hardly remember anything that was said in the courtroom until they removed the monster from my sight. I couldn't stop staring at him. He wouldn't look at me either. I know he had to immediately know who I was because Alyssa looks just like me. Finally they removed him from the courtroom. I was nice to see him being removed from the courtroom knowing he would never be able to hurt my family again, especially Alyssa.

The Judge looked at me and asked me a lot of questions. I told her that I was there to show my intentions of regaining custody of my daughter. She set a court date for the end of January. At that moment a feeling of dread came over me. How was I supposed to leave her? That's was going to be so hard. How was I going to be able to afford all of this? I agreed to all their terms and conditions. The judge ended the hearing and we all left. We met back over at Angie's office and a few of the caseworkers took some pictures of us together. We were free to take Alyssa for the day. We asked her foster mother Deanne to come with us to have lunch.

We ate at a Chinese restaurant and I answered a lot of questions that Deanne had for me. This was the first time she was with us away from the rest of the family. I wanted her to feel peace in knowing Alyssa was going to be ok. She invited us to come to their church that night. I definitely accepted that offer because Alyssa talked about everyone there a lot.

We took Alyssa to the tattoo shop where the monster worked. The couple that owned the shop, Alyssa stayed with them a lot and became close to Shandi & Joe, She was the one who was suspicious there was some abuse going on. Alyssa introduced us all to them. They were amazed at how much we all looked alike and told us how happy they were that Alyssa found us. Then we walked next door to the pet shop where Alyssa spent a lot of her time too. She introduced us to Jenny and everyone else there. We met all the animals she worked with. It was a great day.
I have to mention in all of this my eternal appreciation for everything Shandi and Jenny did for Alyssa. They took care of her and protected her a lot from the monster. Alyssa loves them a lot and without them I probably wouldn't have Alyssa. They saw the signs and got Alyssa to open up about everything. Shandi was right by Alyssa's side when she turned the monster in. They are some great people!

Back to the story.

We were all emotionally exhausted and decided to go back to the hotel room because we were going to go to church with her foster family that night. We got settled in and my mom fell asleep. Alyssa and Ashley were playing around with the cell phone and camera taking pictures. I decided to call my boss and let him know what happened in court. I had to fill him in on the fact that I was going to have to come back a few more times and this was going to take a lot of time and effort. I was really worried about losing my job. I was speaking with him and started talking about how hard it was going to be to leave and not have her with me. In the middle of that conversation Alyssa leans over the bed and looks at me and says, "I'm ready to come home whenever you are ready to take me. I don't want to watch you guys leave either." I told my boss I needed to get off the phone because I was welling up hearing those words. When I got off the phone I stood up and looked at Alyssa and told her that in no way was I trying to pressure her about coming home with us too soon. She said she meant it and was ready to leave with us. We all started crying. I told her I would dial Angie and let her speak to her if she wanted but that we were leaving in two days. I didn't want her getting her hopes up that something was going to happen that fast. I told her that I would come back and get her as soon as they were ready for me to come and get her. I picked up the phone and called Angie. I told Angie that Alyssa wanted to talk to her. I said that we have put no pressure on Alyssa at all. Alyssa spoke with her and said she wanted to come home with us. Angie told her that she would see what she could do. It was already like 4:45 in the evening and we were so short in time. My heart was racing. I had such an excitement building inside of me but I had to keep telling myself that I couldn't get my hopes up too high.

We got ready for church and headed to the foster home. We followed them to church. The pastors of the church were the family that wanted to adopt Alyssa so I had no idea what I was facing when I got there but I was as prepared as I could be. I finally had my daughter and no one was going to take her away from me again.

We got in the church and were being introduced to everyone. The pastor walked over to me and was very kind. He looked at me and said that he remembers the first time Alyssa walked into his church. He said that she spent forty-five minutes crying when she came up front for prayer. He said he counseled her several times and that she felt very alone in the world. He said his heart really felt for her and that he already had three children but that Alyssa had so much to offer the world and that she deserved so much more that was she was being dealt. He said that him and his wife discussed and decided to adopt Alyssa and give her the family that she deserved. He told me to always remember that not only is finding Alyssa and answer to my prayers but that it is also an answer to hers also. Those words have stuck in my heart. I'll never forget them.
Alyssa started telling everyone at church that she was leaving to come home with us and saying goodbye. I started freaking out. I told her that she didn't know if she was leaving yet and she was setting herself up to be hurt and disappointed. She had everyone crying and hugging her. I felt like I was kidnapping her from such a good life. She said she would be leaving regardless so she needed to say goodbye.

I'm going to close at this part of the story and continue the rest in the next blog. I know it's another cliffhanger but it will keep you looking for the next chapter.

Thank you for reading these.

Thoughts & Revelations (Chapter 2)

Here is the story of my daughter Alyssa. I'm going to make this as short as possible. I'm going to focus on the bad as little as possible. Understand that my children will probably be reading this.

My youngest daughter Alyssa who just turned 15, was born in '92, such a beautiful baby. I have 3 more beautiful children. Anthony is 20, Ashley is 18, and Autumn is 17.

In '94 my daughter Alyssa was kidnapped when she was two years old and we had no idea where she was or if she was alive or dead. My life basically fell apart. If I didn't have my other children, I probably would not have survived. I lived angry and hurt for many years. I was very dark and depressed. I didn't know how to recover from this. How do you move on with your life? How do you try to forget? My children paid dearly because I wasn't able to always be the mother they needed. I was too damaged on the inside. Sometimes it was just hard enough to make through the day.

Eventually I tried to move on in some aspect. All hope of finding her after so many years was lost. I even stopped telling people that I had 4 children. As far as anyone was concerned, I only had 3 children. My children eventually stopped asking about her also. I kept her pictures in a box. I visited that box often to look through it. There was never a day that went by I didn't think about her. Every holiday I would say something to her in my heart. I just couldn't keep explaining the circumstances to anyone anymore. It was way too painful. Life has never been normal to me.

In October '05 I was at a luncheon with people I worked with. I was sitting in the corner of a booth. My cell phone rang. It was my ex-husband and I was busy so I didn't answer it. Then my phone rang again and it was an 812 area code. I had this strange feeling inside like something wasn't right. I decided to call my ex-husband back. He answered the phone and asked me if I was sitting down, if I was going to be ok if he told me something. I got frustrated with him and told him to just tell me already. I was getting nervous because I thought something was wrong with my other daughter Autumn, who lives with him. He then began to tell me how he received a phone call from a caseworker with D.C.S. in Lawrence county Indiana. He said that they believed they had our daughter in custody. He said much more but those were the only words I could remember. I just broke down and couldn't restrain myself. The people around me had no idea what was going on. They thought someone had died. They had no idea that I heard the words I had been waiting to hear for 11 years. I rode in a carpool to the luncheon and I just begged for someone to please take me back to the office. Everyone kept trying to get me to tell them what was the matter. Finally someone took me back to the office. I did nothing but sob the whole trip back to the office and never said a word.

When I got back, I closed myself in a conference room. I called the caseworker, whose name was Angie. I don't believe she understood a word of what I said because I couldn't stop sobbing. Angie explained that Alyssa was abused and had been placed in foster care. I was devastated. I had to explain that she had been missing and we had been looking for her for years but had no leads. She told me that Alyssa's case file had been passed from worker to worker and when it reached her she got the FBI involved and located my ex-husband. My last name had changed of course because of the divorce. I was still a little leery that this was actually my daughter and that this wasn't just some joke. I figured someone would shake me at any moment and tell me to wake up. I asked Angie where do we go from here. I wanted to jump on a plane at that very moment to go and hold Alyssa and let her know that she was now safe. It wasn't that easy, this was going to be a challenge.

The only reason why I was actually searched for was because a family wanted to adopt Alyssa and needed my signature. They were totally unaware of the circumstances. Angie let me know that telling Alyssa about her family that had been searching for her was going to be a slow process. Alyssa just found out that who she thought was her family wasn't really her family and that basically her whole life was a lie. Also she was going through trying to prosecute the person who had been abusing her. She was going through enough already. They really needed to ease this whole other side of the story in.

I knew that eventually they were going to tell her and I was going to have to play by their rules. She was now a ward of the state of Indiana. I soon received in the mail copies of all the police reports and court documents about the abuse. Talk about the ultimate feelings of guilt and regret, I was overwhelmed. I was getting so impatient for them to just tell her about us already. I decided to write her a letter and tell her a little bit about each of us. I also got together some pictures of all of us so that she could see her brother and sisters. I still didn't have any pictures of her. I wanted to see her so badly. Just to see what she looked like. If it was anything like I imagined all these years. I wanted to hug her and never let her go. It was hard to sleep, eat, to function in any way.

Angie told me that the counselor in a session brought up how she would feel if they found her mother. Alyssa responded to her counselor by telling her that most of her life she was told that her mother abandoned her and wanted nothing to do with her, also that her mother tried to put her up for adoption for money. She told the counselor that she wanted nothing to do with her mother. That was a hard conversation to have. I just had hope that when she found out the truth that she would change her heart. I never abandoned her! She was stolen from me!
Finally they set the date to tell her! I was so excited! I couldn't sleep that night. I spoke with Angie the next day and she told me that the counselor cancelled the meeting because she was very sick. She rescheduled for two weeks later. Did these people have any idea of the torment I was going through? That was the longest two weeks ever!

Finally on the new appointment date I called Angie and made for sure that no one was sick and that this appointment was going to actually happen. She assured me that all was good and everyone was going to be there that needed to be. The appointment was for 6:00 that evening so I wouldn't hear anything until the next day. I stayed awake all night long wondering and imagining how that meeting went. I was so hopeful that Alyssa took it well. I knew she had been through so much already.

The next morning, which was a Friday, I started calling as soon as I could. Angie finally contacted me, and told me that everything went well. She said that Alyssa sat there and had a big smile on her face while the counselor read the letter I had written her. Angie also said that everyone in the room was telling Alyssa how much she looked like us from the pictures I had sent. I told Angie that I would still like to have some pictures of Alyssa too. She said she was working on it. I felt so relieved. She finally knew that she wasn't alone and that she had this huge family that loved her and had been looking for her for all these years.

Then Angie informed me of some more hard news. I had to wait two more weeks to talk to her because according to their rules it had to be in a counseling session so that we had a mediator. I thought to myself, how could I make it another two weeks? The insane patience they were asking of us! I called my family and let them know that Alyssa knows about all of us. I cried most of the day.

That evening I was working late and had some deadlines to meet. My desk phone rang and I looked up, it was an 812 area code. I answered thinking it was the caseworker Angie. I said, "Hello, this is Vanessa, can I help you?" A small voice responded and said, "Do you know who this is?" I felt my heart come up in my throat and skipped a few beats, I said, "Who is this?" She responded, "This is your daughter Alyssa." I said, "Oh my God, I didn't expect you to be calling and I think I'm going to cry. I started sobbing and the lady that works at the desk next to me brought me Kleenex because she just knew it was my daughter. I talked to her for a few moments and asked her if there was any way I could call her back because I had a deadline to meet at work. I also wanted to have a more private conversation with Alyssa. She asked her foster mother and gave me the telephone number. I could hardly focus on my work! I wanted out of there to call her back so badly!

When I left work I talked with her for hours. We had no problems talking with each other. My oldest daughter Ashley called while I was on the phone with Alyssa. I told her I was on the phone with Alyssa and she had her friend bring her home in panic. I told Alyssa how Angie had told me that I wasn't able to talk to her for 2 weeks. Alyssa said she called Angie and told her that she wasn't waiting 2 weeks to talk to her mother and Angie gave her my contact information. Hearing Alyssa on the phone was the best feeling in the world. Remember at that point that I still haven't seen pictures of her yet. So at that point if a voice was all I had then I was very grateful for it.

The next few weeks we talked daily on the phone. According to the rules she was only allowed to be on the phone for so long so I had to respect their rules. Alyssa told me that she had a court date coming up to confront her abuser. She asked me if I would be there. I told her I wouldn't miss it for the world. Alyssa told me that she was putting together a scrapbook of pictures of her growing up so that I would have them. According to the foster parents rules with the state, they weren't allowed to let their foster children give out pictures of themselves. Once again, I had to play by their rules. Everyone in my family took turns talking to her on the phone so she could get to know us as much as possible. Angie told me that she set it up to where I could come to court the same day to make it known I had intentions of regaining custody of Alyssa.

My mother, my daughter Ashley and I made plans for our trip. The court date was December 7, 2005. It took every bit of money I had to make this trip. Being a single parent, this was going to be hard and I knew it. I told Alyssa of my intentions of eventually bringing her home with us. She got a little scared and had a conversation with me. She told me that she was glad she found me but that she was happy where she was and wanted to stay there. I really questioned my self on if I was doing the right thing. Would I be the kind of mother she needs? Should I bring this child who has suffered so much and has now rebuilt her life back home with me unwilling? What kind of issues would this cause for her mentally and emotionally? I had several conversations with my children and how they felt about it and cried to them about it. My son said the best words ever to me. He said, "Mom, you would die for us and that makes you a good mother" They all agreed that this was the right thing to do.

I got on my knees and prayed a lot after that. Asked God to show me the way. If He brought me this far then He had to take care of this. I knew at that point that his hand had to be in this because it was almost an impossibility that they even found us. I have learned that God will make a way when there seems to be no way. Then I just went on with making our plans for our trip.

I will continue the rest in my next blog.

Thoughts & Revelations (Chapter 1)

Just want to share some thoughts from deep in my soul that I feel if the right person reads it, it can maybe shed some hope in your life. I know its going to be long but well worth reading at least I hope so.

For those of you that know me this might be a shocker, but I have really been working on the Spiritual side of my life lately. I know you all are picking yourselves off the floor but its true lol I have been blessed with so much in my life and have so much to be grateful for, but I have had a lot of hurts and bad decisions in my life also. We all have.

First of all I am very thankful for my children. They are growing up so quickly lately and doing so well making lives of their own. I'm so proud of them. Every time I think about how great they are turning out and the awesome adults they are becoming I have this great sense of how much I am proud of them. I can take some of the credit for it, but not all. I haven't always made the best decisions in my life. Children don't come with a manual. But I can say that I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

Those of you, who know me well, know that my youngest daughter Alyssa was kidnapped when she was 2 and I just brought her home in December of '05. She just turned 15 the other day, and is such a beautiful and intelligent young lady. For everything she has been though, she is doing great. I don't want to keep reliving all the bad details of the story but I want to talk about the good that has come out of this. I have watched God touching her life lately and it really makes me think.

I had a major revelation in my heart about how much God loves us. In the Word it says that we are created in God's image. I have really been thinking about how much I love my children and want to take care of them. I want them to do well and life. I long for their love in return. I would do anything for them. If they need me, I'm going to be there. If we are created in His image then he has to love me so much more than I love my children.

Another way to look at this also is the way I longed for Alyssa when she was missing. Not a day went by that I didn't think about her. Every Christmas and Birthday, every holiday. Always wondering if she was alive or dead. If she was alive what did she look like, smell like, feel like? How tall is she, how smart is she, so many thoughts of her. I also had so many feelings of should have, would have, could have. Never a feeling of complete satisfaction in life, there was always this feeling of looking for something or something is missing. When we are separated from God, just imagine how he feels and longs for us to return to him. When I thought about this, I was overwhelmed and have cried a lot thinking about it lately.

Also when our children stray and get off the right path. We only have so much control over our children's lives. When they reach a certain age they will begin to test those boundaries. We all have. Some children take it a lot further than others. When you see your children going through that, you have these overwhelming feelings to want to rescue and save them, but you can only do so much. They also have to want to be helped. Sometimes you can intervene and force changes but that will only last for so long. It can be the most frustrating feeling in the world. We all want the best for our children. We all want our children to do so much better than we did. Basically all you can do at that point is to pray and have faith that you have taught them well enough to work their way through it. It's the hardest thing to do! How much more does God want the best for us and to jump in and rescue us when our decisions in life haven't been the best ones? God gave us a will and a choice. A lot of times it is our decisions that we make that make us walk away from God. He stands there and reaches out to us but will not over step our will.

I know that growing up I was taught the ways of God and brought up in a Christian home. I walked away from that and had a really hard time coming back. I always felt that how can God forgive me if I can't even forgive myself, or others. My Mom used to cry a lot over the fact I wasn't raising my children in the church and teaching them the proper way to live, that I was letting my family suffer so unnecessarily. I don't think I can ever make anyone understand what it feels like to have a child stolen from you, unless you can experience it yourself. You walk around looking normal but you spirit inside is so wounded and weak. It stumbles around, doesn't trust, always confused. Its like a part of your self is missing. How is a person in that condition able to function normally in life? It's almost impossible. It takes a really strong person to be able to heal and recover. I look back now and realize that God had his hand in my life even though I had walked away and refused to come back. He still longed for me and loved me and just wanted to hold me and take care of things. I refused to trust in Him because I didn't have much trust in anyone or anything. I refuse to keep going like that in my life!

I have made up my mind to find some good in the situation. Maybe from everything that my family has been through, I can bring some healing to others through our battles. Maybe someone can find hope or peace. I refuse to let the 11 years that I suffered through without my daughter go without letting it do some good for someone somewhere. I hope that you reading this will put a good feeling in your heart and possibly help you in some way. I'm going to type a little bit of the story but I don't want to talk about the dirty details. My daughter, Alyssa needs to move on with her life and learn to try to heal and not to be reliving it over and over again.

I'm going to close this blog for now. I will be adding more later on about our story and testimony. I'm sure I will be adding more about revelations that come to me about life. They seem to be flooding in lately.